The boxes are starting to stack up in our house as we prepare to move back home to California – hooray! Despite the excitement, there is plenty of uneasiness and worry. Our move is a blend of planned effort and faith – circumstances are not exactly perfect. Truth is, even if they were I’d still find something to worry about. Change makes me uneasy – still.

Change is an interesting process. There’s the euphoric beginning when the idea of a new future inspires and motivates you. Of course, the end is similar as you happily achieve your vision. But the worst part of the change process is the space between the beginning and the end – the dreadful middle. The middle stinks. It’s the place where challenges are presented, fears are faced and decisions are made. I’ve found that the middle is the place where I choose success or failure.

Recently, I came across a blog post written by Rosabeth Moss Kanter, a professor at Harvard Business School, that perfectly described my middle experiences. She writes,

“Problems tempt people to give up, forget it, and chase the next enticing rainbow. But stop the effort too soon, and by definition it is a failure. Stay with it through its hurdles, make appropriate adjustments, and you could be on the way to success.”

So, as I sit in my home office surrounded by boxes and a mile-long moving checklist, I do my best to ease into the flow of this change. It’s uncomfortable. It’s messy. It’s exhausting. There’s a teeny tiny temptation lurking inside me that says, “Just unpack it all. You’re not that far along. It’ll be easier to just stay. Unchanged.”

Yet despite the discomfort, I persist and persevere. And I take time to celebrate every time I cross something off that mile-long moving checklist because it represents progress in the right direction. I’m goin’ back to Cali and the idea of that is enough to see me through.

image credit:Carsten Reisinger – Fotolia.com

Success or failure happens in the middle is a post from: The Integrated Mother®

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When I first became pregnant, I received a lot of advice. One that was repeated over and over was, “Savor this moment. It goes by so fast.” That was in 2000.

Now we’re in 2010 and I look back thinking, “Where did the time go?” This summer, my husband and I will celebrate our 10th anniversary, after we halfheartedly celebrate being in Arizona for four years (this was only supposed to be temporary!). And in the Fall, my youngest child will enter Kindergarten and later I’m heading to my 20th high school reunion.

Despite all these milestones, the thing that is giving me pause is my oldest daughter who will be turning 9 in a matter of days.

Notwithstanding her being my oldest, my first, and my “baby,” I’m just a bit stressed about having to have the good ‘ol “birds ‘n the bees” conversation with her. Some may say it’s too young. I should wait. I agree! I wish we lived in a world where a child’s innocence could be preserved well into her teens. But we live in a culture that is driven by sexual innuendos, lustful images and well…a bunch of flaming idiots who eagerly hope to give my daughter their own warped version of the birds ‘n the bees lesson. Plus, she’s had questions and the whole “we made you with a special kiss” story is no longer flying.

So for weeks my stomach has been in knots as I plan her birthday celebration because I’m trying to figure out what I’ll say when she and I sit down a few days later to talk about sex. *sigh* Oh, how I long for the days when I my biggest party-prep worry was figuring out a fun theme and getting the invites out on time.

I’m grateful that we have a pattern of open communication on our side. My daughter is inquisitive – all of my kids are – and I’ve always been the kind of mom that avoided the cutesy jibberish and instead explained life as it is, “That’s your vagina,” instead of, “That’s your pee-pee.”

My only worry is that I’m a writer, a professor and painfully detailed-oriented. I had a nightmare recently where I was presenting a 3-D models of female and male genitalia to my daughter and with my scripted, eloquently written message in hand, I carefully articulated the human life cycle. Wake me up!

I’m resisting the temptation to over-prepare (yet another of my blessing/curse personality attributes) and instead remain focused on my intent: What do I want her to know after our talk?

I’ve been thinking long and hard about that one. Ultimately, I want her to be informed so that when she overhears her friends talking about sex, she’s not vulnerable to messages that are blatantly incorrect or against our beliefs. But my struggle is figuring out just how much information she needs right now.

Sidebar: I spoke with a 6th grade teacher at my daughter’s school who told me that the sex education classes were cut from the budget years ago. She also told me that the kids were definitely engaged in sexual activity, but it was “only oral sex.” Yea, that made my stomach roll. My daughter will be in 4th grade in the Fall, which is just a couple degrees from the influence of those kids and that’s just too close for comfort.

I do know that my starting resource will be American Girl’s The Care & Keeping of You book. Our pediatrician recommended it when I first learned that my baby was growing up. It’s been helpful reading it alongside my daughter over the last several months, but it doesn’t broach the topic of sex.

*sigh* Maybe I’ll just do what I always do when I spin myself into an anxious mess over things – keep it simple. I have just a bit more time to figure it all out.

image credit:Dawn Hudson – Fotolia.com

The birds & the bees is a post from: The Integrated Mother®

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I have an insatiable love of books. Usually you can find me juggling a couple different titles at once – a non-fiction/business book and a fiction book. Right now, I’m reading Everyone Communicates, Few Connect by John Maxwell and The Angel’s Game by Carlos Ruiz Zafón.

My love of reading has rubbed off on my kids too. Each week, you’ll find us at the local bookstore or public library, getting lost in the shelves. OK, I admit it…my four year old son runs straight to the train table to play, but you’ll find me and my girls browsing the endless sea of books – examining the cover and sampling the first chapter until we find the books that we’ll bring home with us. (For now, I select books for my son…one day he’ll catch on.)

During the car ride home, my kids fight over who will read their book aloud first and within seconds I’m listening to a cacophony of voices each trying to be heard over the others. My head hurts for a moment, then I smile…grateful that of all things, my kids fight over reading.

I attribute my love of reading, and now my children’s love of reading, to my parents who instilled in me the importance of it from a very young age. It’s a generational gift that I am grateful to have received and now pass on to my children. But not every child has parents who encourage reading, which is why today is an important day.

Today is National Drop Everything… and Read! day. Today is a special reading celebration to remind and encourage families to make reading together on a daily basis a family priority. I hope you’ll spend time today to read with your child. Make it fun. Make it a habit. Reading is contagious and it’s something worth catching.

Drop everything… and read! is a post from: The Integrated Mother®

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I‘ve been absent here for over a week and it’s not for lack of content to write about! In fact, my life has been changing, or more appropriately, I’ve been changing and that gives plenty of fodder for this blog. Yet it’s also the very reason I haven’t posted.

Some of the things ruminating through my mind are so raw that I’m not even sure I want to own it…just yet. I’d like to throw it on for size, enjoy it, revel in it, and truly own it before I lay claim to it here.

Of course, there are other things that have pulled my attention away from blogging too. For instance, I am enjoying life offline, as I progressively release virtual tethers that kept me hoovered over my Macbook or velcro’d to my iPhone, as the relationships I have with the real-life people sitting right next to me suffered. Add to this an increase in workload – paid and pro-bono – which is a great thing, but nonetheless a change that has caused my schedule to go a bit off kilter as I adjust my work-life…yet again.

No complaints though! Life is good…real good…and I’m enjoying it. It won’t be long before my workflow is back on track and I’m back in my groove, so watch out! More to come…

Ruminating is a post from: The Integrated Mother®

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In its simplest terms, honor is the degree of value, worth and importance you place on a relationship. It is granting another person a position of value in your life.

Reflect for a moment: Do you honor your relationships?

How do I show my children that I honor them?

Do I talk with my children eye to eye?

Do I share their exuberance when they show me their schoolwork?

Do I make their lunches based on what’s quick or do I buy food that will keep them healthy, and that they in turn like?

Do I take phone calls in my car when I am with my children?

Do we make an effort to sit down to family breakfast and dinner?

Do I attend my children’s sporting events and pay attention to them, or do I take calls on my cell phone while my children are doing their best on the playing field?

Do I involve my children in the tasks of everyday life such as cleaning, cooking and caring for our home? Or do I tell them “I’ll do it” because that is easier than working through the process with them or dealing with pending messes?

Do I take the time to genuinely learn about my child’s interests?

Do I schedule my work hours when the children are at school or do I work at home all hours of the night when they are home and need me?

Do I focus on what my children do right rather than what my children do wrong?

No one is perfect, but when we strive to be mindful about how we honor our family, it builds trust, respect and love. There are four main attachment styles in a parent-child relationship: Secure, Avoidant, Ambivalent, and Disorganized (Bowlby, 1969; Ainsworth, 1978; Main and Solomon 1986).

Parents who encourage secure attachments are attuned to their children’s needs. They read their children’s cues and respond to each child as a unique individual. Over time, a securely attached child has learned that he can rely on special adults to be there for him. There are some steps to developing a secure relationship with your child:

1. Be consistent with your children.
2. Be attuned to their individual needs.
3. Respond to your children by getting off the couch, computer or phone and going to them. Proximity matters when you are communicating with your children.
4. Take your child’s concerns seriously. This means acknowledging their feelings. Do not mock or tease your children. Sarcasm is painful and it cuts deeply.
5. Match your child’s exuberance and excitement by sharing whole-heartedly in their joy.
6. Give your children your undivided attention in the moments they need you.

Your children learn to honor their relationships from you. Honor, love and enjoy!

image credit: Julie Eydman – Fotolia.com

Honor your child and your child will honor you is a post from: The Integrated Mother®

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Like you, I embody many life roles – mom, business owner, writer, sister, daughter, friend, volunteer, and more. Sometimes, juggling my own schedule can be overwhelming so when I add my family’s schedule, it’s down right chaotic!

Though I haven’t achieved absolute perfection when it comes to managing multiple schedules, I have come up with some processes and tools that enable me to get things done. I thought I’d share some of those tips here and invite you to add your ideas by commenting on this post.

For most families, there are three ways they keep their family’s schedule on track:

Talk and Walk Method: The busyness of work and life leaves little room for quality talk-time with family. In most households, parents and children are multi-tasking while they talk. Not only is quality time missed, but important information is lost as family members are engaged in other things while trying to communicate with one another.

Command Center Method: Some families have constructed impressive “command centers” in their kitchen or family room areas that lets everyone know who is where and when. Stickies and notes are colorfully tacked to the center to communicate important information. If you need something, go to the Command Center!

Technology Method: Technology has introduced a host of convenient ways to communicate, whether you prefer email, texting, IM-ing, FaceBook-ing or Twitter-ing. Many families, especially with tweens and teens, have adopted technology as their primary way to communicate and keep up with busy schedules.

Each of these methods have pros and cons and most families will admit that there is no one method that works perfectly. The best solution may be a combination of all three communication methods. Here’s an example of how it could work for you and your family:

Set aside time for daily & weekly family check-ins: Although sitting down for a family meal every day isn’t always easy, it’s definitely worth trying. The 30 minutes you spend with your family during mealtime offers a chance for everyone to take a break from the go-go-go pace and catch up with family members. My daughter loves going around the table and asking, “So, tell me about your day?” during our family dinners. Then, on the weekends set aside an hour when your family can lounge and relax together. You might do this over a board game or story time, for the younger children. Use time to connect with your family and get the scoop on the week ahead.

Create a central communication area: Our family use a lower-key version of the Command Center described above. I created a “kitchen binder” using a 1″ binder that includes key information and file folders (i.e. emergency contact info, weekly meal planner, grocery lists, simple mailing supplies, to-go menus, etc.). There are blank, ruled sheets of paper for quick notes and messages. It’s handy to have practical, every day items at everyone’s finger tips and it’s a great place to centrally leave messages or reminder notes.

Integrate your technology tools: Most working parents use a technology device on a daily basis, whether it’s the office computer or a cell phone. You can integrate and share to-do’s, tasks and calendar appointments using a variety of online tools. My favorites are Google Calendar, Spring Pad, and Cozi. Each offers the ability to create multiple calendars (one for each family member) and sync with multiple users – all for free. Most sync with popular software applications like Microsoft Outlook, which removes the headache of entering your tasks and appointments in multiple areas.

It make take some time to fine-tune your family’s perfect system for organizing your work and life events. One thing I’ve learned about working motherhood is that it changes – constantly. So chances are, that once you’re “perfected” your family schedule process, it’ll change. But don’t let that discourage you! Try some of these methods here, and then please share some of your own by adding a comment to this post. Collectively, we’ll figure it out!

Mastering multiple calendars is a post from: The Integrated Mother®

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As many of you know, I live in Phoenix, but my heart (and the place I really call, “home”) is in San Diego. So whenever we get a chance, we pack up the SUV and make the relatively short drive (5.5 hours) from the desert to the coast. Last week my kids were out of school for Spring Break, so where did we go? San Diego!

It was an awesome trip…

Hanging out at Balboa Park

A fun pic snapped by my 8 year old

Swung over to Extraordinary Desserts on 5th Ave in Downtown San Diego

We demolished that dessert - YUM!

Romped around Belmont Park

Enjoyed the vistas overlooking La Jolla at Mt Soledad

It was a terrific week of fun, relaxation and just enjoying time together. For me, it felt different than any other trip we’ve taken to San Diego. I really enjoyed it…more than I normally do.

As we settled into our drive back to Phoenix, I thought about what made the week so special. After all, we didn’t do anything that we hadn’t done plenty of times before. Then I realized the key difference was me.

As a work-at-home mompreneur, I feel obligated to work – constantly. Unfortunately, that perspective has driven me to exhaustion and takes me away from the main reason I left corporate employment back in 2003 – to have a flexible work schedule so I could enjoy raising my family.

So last week, I was intentional about doing things differently. It’s been a gradual process really, as I slowly disengage from the virtual tethers that wreak havoc on my work-life.

Still, I brought along my laptop because it’s like a security blanket now…if I don’t have it within reach, I feel naked. Though, I surprised myself. I didn’t crack it open until Friday, a full five days after our trip had begun! But the the true test came earlier in the week, when I received notifications on my iPhone that I had voicemails waiting on my business line.

Ah, the urge to work was overwhelming!! And I gave in…but just a little. I checked my messages. Yippee!! There were people responding to some advertising I’d done on Google Adwords. Oh man…I was fired up then and ready to dive into new projects and work, work, work!

But, I caught myself. Regained my focus – enjoy time off with my family – and decided the best thing to do was to call people back just to let them know I’m on vacation and, “Would you like to set up some time next week to talk?” The calls took less than 15 minutes. Every client and prospect was fine with waiting to speak with me until the following week (some actually commented that they wished they had the discipline to put off work while on vacation).

In this economy, it’s hard to say “no” to any work that comes my way. There is always the fear that turning down or deferring work for later will mean the work will evaporate. So last week was a true test of my ability to overcome those fears, and I’m happy to report that all is well. I enjoyed a wonderful vacation with my family and we created memories that are worth far more than any paycheck. Best of all, I came home refreshed and ready to serve my clients’ needs.

What more can I ask for?

Take a break – for real is a post from: The Integrated Mother®

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I may be a classic introvert, but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy people. In fact, I love connecting with others and being a connector for others. Connecting, nurturing those amazing relationships with others, is fun and as a business owner, it’s profitable. You’re familiar with the adage, “People do business with those they like and trust.” It all comes down to those amazing relationships.

But as with anything of real pleasure, it can be a double-edged sword.

Leap, and the net will appear – right?

Besides being an introvert who loves people, I’m also a high-achiever, which means when I’m in – I’m all in and a BIG bag of chips! So when an opportunity presents itself to connect with more people, for business or otherwise, I tend to leap in.

And I found my net alright – the Internet!

In 2007, imagine my delight when I began to notice the rapid emergence of social media – blogs, LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter, etc. It was like connecting candy for me and it didn’t take long for me to jump into the online playground where I discovered new “friends” and business opportunities – all from the comfort and convenience of my home! That was the upside.

The downside is that I can’t be everywhere, even in the virtual space. Trying to manage a presence on multiple social networking sites, plus nurturing offline relationships, is nearly impossible – if you value sleep and quality connections, and I do. I’d much rather develop a strong relationship with a small handful and enjoy meaningful dialogue, than have thousands of hollow, empty friendships.

Am I being a good friend?

I don’t think so. Social media has turned “friend” into a verb (“Friend me.”) and it’s misleading. If I’m spread between dozens of communities – offline and online – we’re probably not really friends, just social acquaintances who happen to be in the same room. We’re not connecting – really. And I don’t enjoy those kinds of relationships.

So, since the beginning of this year I’ve been slowly weening myself off of various social networking sites and releasing the virtual tether to my laptop and iPhone. I closed down the Ning site I set up for The Integrated Mother and I’m moments from ending the LinkedIn group too. I’ve returned to the philosophy I’ve used in my offline networking: Quality over quantity. If you want to find me and truly “friend” me, please…I welcome you:

• To connect online, you can find me here, at Write to Incite or on Twitter. Every now and then, I’ll pop onto Facebook or LinkedIn.
• To connect in person, catch me at a NAWBO-Phoenix meeting or IABC-Phoenix event.

If I can’t be all in, I don’t want to be in at all.

Putting in a half-effort has never been my thing – at work, at home or in relationships. But that’s what happened with social media. I was a part of too many. I was putting in a half-effort. When I friended you, I only became your half-friend (ok, really your 1/100th-friend because I was all over the place!).

Social media, I still adore you! But, my journey with you caused me to lose sight of connections that truly matter to me. It caused me to be spread thin. As a working mom, it’s the kiss of death – feeling stretched between too many roles and responsibilities, only to be left empty and exhausted at the end of the day. No thanks. Life is too short.

Quality over quantity – that’s my connection philosophy and I’m stickin’ to it!

How are you doing it?

I imagine that my experience isn’t unlike many working moms who are juggling relationships online and offline. Where do you commit most of your time? What tips do you have for staying connected without losing yourself or your priorities in the process?

Please share in your comments.

Social media – the great connector, or not is a post from: The Integrated Mother®

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I woke up to the gentle sounds of rain this morning. Groggily, I turned to my alarm clock – 4:30 a.m. “Thank God it’s raining,” I muttered quietly and rolled back to sleep – grateful for a break from my usual 4-mile run, but knowing I’d feel guilty about missing it later.

And so my workweek begins, albeit slowly.

I like Mondays. I especially like rainy ones. I call Monday my “reset day” – the day when I can start fresh with a whole seven days to accomplish everything on my to-do list. If I missed something last week, Monday offers me the freedom to believe, “I can try again this week.”

But not everyone wakes up to Mondays with the same appreciation as I do. In fact, Mondays can be dreary for many working moms, even if the weather isn’t grey and rainy. Mondays remind them of the endless responsibilities that await. The anticipation of a stressful workweek ahead hangs over them. Working moms are tired and the agony of repeating last week’s cycle of busyness…again…is just about unbearable.

Regardless of your Monday morning disposition, there is one thing that encourages every working mom to press on: affirmation, or confirmation of a job well done.

There are no real rules in working motherhood. Often, we make up the plays as we go along, hoping that we’re getting it right. It’s only through affirmation that we know that we’re on the right track. Affirmation can take many forms:

• Words: For example, “You’re a great mom.”
• Actions: For example, a daughter who wakes on her own and prepares her own bowl of cereal, completely unassisted.

But, if you’re too busy, too distracted, or too stressed, you might not notice the affirmation that surrounds you all day long. Instead, you’ll notice what you don’t have and focus on everything that you’re missing: time, peace, enjoyment, etc.

So today, my encouragement for you is to take a moment to slow down, open your eyes and notice how the words and actions surrounding you are affirming everything you do (like the 4-year-old who whines, “Mo-m-m-m-m-m-y!” and longs for a hug, affirming you as an important person in his life). Then, take it one step further and affirm someone else today. Imagine being the sunshine in someone’s dreary Monday that affirms in them, “Well done.”

image credit: Sean Prior

The gift of affirmation is a post from: The Integrated Mother®

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Please welcome new guest contributor Nancy Shohet West, a working mom and freelance writer who ponders an aching question many of us have, “When is enough, enough?”

I was talking earlier today with an acquaintance who is a Realtor. She told me she was leaving for a week-long vacation in Florida because she really needed some time to relax. “But of course, if anything happens with any of my listings during the week, I can work from Florida,” she said.

Of course. Although I’ve never before thought about any similarities between being a real estate agent and being a freelance writer, as she said that, I knew exactly what she meant. I’ve been the same way recently: if work comes my way, I’ll do it. Never mind relaxing or visiting Florida. Those of us not in salaried positions don’t turn work opportunities down.

I remember what it felt like to be a salaried employee with paid vacations. Yes, it’s true that we all put in a certain amount of desk time – or phone time or email time – while away from the office, but there was still always that certain smugness, that sense of “I earned this time off. I work my 49 weeks a year so that I get three weeks like this one, when I’m in effect getting paid for not working.” It was a concept that my husband could hardly fathom when we were just out of college and he started his first salaried position shortly before Labor Day weekend. “Look at me – I’m at the beach, but I’m still getting paid!” he crowed on that first-ever paid holiday. “Look at me now: I’m sitting around eating hamburgers, but I’m still getting paid ‘cause it’s Labor Day!” And so on. New to the corporate world after a young adulthood of manual labor and hourly pay, he loved the idea that the meter was running even on a holiday.

I gave up that comfort when I became a freelancer, and like my Realtor friend, I’ve been finding it impossible to walk away from any kind of work opportunity lately. The fact is that right now – like as of the past two weeks or so – I have more work than I ever dreamed possible when I contemplated a freelance career. All my clients and publications seem to be coming through for me at once this week: I have assignments here and there and everywhere, far more than I ever imagined I’d have. It’s as if everyone who ever said to me “I might have some work for you in the future” sent me a contract – and a deadline – over the weekend. In some ways I’ve achieved the point in my career that I always hoped to reach: my day is full from start to finish with paid writing assignments.

The problem, not surprisingly, is that the day doesn’t really reach that finish. There’s always a little more I could get done. When I was working for a corporate employer, when the work day ended, it ended. Now it never seems to end. The sooner I file this story, the sooner I’ll get offered the next one – and paid for it. Can’t slow down now.

But at some point I can’t help wondering how I’ll know when enough is enough. There’s no way to put a number on it, to say when I’ve earned this much for the week I’ll be all set. There’s always more I could be giving to charity, more I could be saving. It’s not a matter of greed; it’s more the fact that it’s hard to declare an upper limit on the amount of money you could put to good use. Now, because the work is available, I’m writing while the kids do their after-school activities, writing after they go to bed, writing during the late-evening hours when I used to read novels or sections of the Sunday New York Times. File one more story before going to bed? Sure – maybe that editor will be burning the midnight oil as well, and I’ll wake in the morning to an email with the always welcome news that no further revisions are needed on it.

When Tim was about five years old, he and I were walking through a small empty parking lot outside a closed car wash when we chanced across a peculiar sight: coins strewn across the pavement. It wasn’t hundreds of dollars, but it was a considerable number of nickels and dimes. Yet it wasn’t enough to seem like someone had dropped a coin bag on the way to the bank or anything like that. More just like someone had opened their car door, caused a lot of change to spill out, and not had time to pick it up. Tim asked if he could take some. I said yes. He gathered about six coins, handed them to me for safekeeping, and then said “Okay, that’s enough.”

I wondered then, and still sometimes wonder, what in him decided that was enough. There were still plenty of coins remaining. And it wasn’t like he was ethically opposed to taking any at all. Nor was he concerned about having to carry the coins: he dropped them in my purse. Something in him just said “Finding money is good, but I know how much is enough for me,” though I have no idea how he found that line.

I think of that image now: Tim finding the small amount of money and deciding he could take a little of it but not a whole lot. I wish I could draw a similar line in the sand with my work; I wish I knew what was enough, and be able to tell myself at 3:00 when the kids get home from school or even 8:00 after they’re in bed that it’s time to stop working. But for now, I’m still looking at all those silvery coins, sparkling in the sun against the dark asphalt, not sure where to begin scooping them up and even less sure of where to stop.

Hard to say when enough is enough is a post from: The Integrated Mother®

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