Between work and family responsibilities, working moms carry quite a load. The pressure to juggle it all can lead to depression. Yet, a recent study shows that more than 65% of working moms are leaving their depression untreated. Although the study cites long work hours and lack of adequate health insurance as contributing factors to this trend, I wonder if it’s something more.
In 2003, I was treated for depression but it took many months of denial and avoidance before I decided to get professional help. Why? I was embarrassed and ashamed that I had a mental illness. Yes, depression is a mental illness that affects approximately 12 million women in the United States each year. And as a very successful, highly regarded working mom I didn’t want to face the fact that I had a mental illness and needed help (Even typing those words today, causes a visceral response in my body.).
So I ignored the signs:
- Feelings of hopelessness and sadness;
- Spontaneous outbursts of anger or fits of crying;
- Inability to concentrate or focus;
- Constant exhaustion and fatigue;
- Loss of interest in things I used to enjoy.
I ignored the results of my symptoms too: I had crashed my SUV into a stationary cement pole that I swore just appeared out of nowhere. I had also collapsed in my kitchen late one night, hitting my chin so hard on the counter that I wore a purple bruise on my face for days. But, I told myself I was okay. I was strong. I could handle it. My denial was so powerful that at one point I went to my primary care physician, convinced I was having a heart attack. She examined me, performed an EKG, and then said, “I think you’re depressed Michele. You need to get help.” I stormed out of her office – angry – and called my friend to ask for the name of her doctor since mine was clearly an idiot for diagnosing me with depression when I was having a heart attack! (Yea, I had lost my mind.)
It wasn’t until my then two-year-old daughter pulled on my shirt during one my depressive tirades and innocently inquired, “Mommy? Why are you always so mad?” that I snapped into the realization that I really did need help.
I hate telling people about my experience with depression, even today. There’s a part of me that sees it as an admission of my weakness or a personality flaw that reveals all of my inadequacies. But I tell you anyway because I know that I’m not alone and someone needs to tell you that neither are you.
Depression sucks. But depression is treatable. Besides, the sunny side of depression is what you uncover on the other side of its dark cloud. For me, it was a renewed passion for things that depression had taken away, like running, writing, my family and…myself.
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Thank you for stepping out and sharing your experience. I suffered from Postpartum Depression with all three of my pregnancies and it’s the courage of those of us who aren’t afraid to share that helps others step forward and get help
Thanks for your comment Kay. I appreciate your encouraging words!
Thank you for speaking out about what happened to you. I had a friend who went through this; her greatest agony to this day is that her ex-husband took advantage of her suffering and denial to gain custody of her daughter (thankfully, her daughter has seen the selfish side of her father and it makes no difference). Getting treated is the imporant thing – if you let it go, people around will impacted by you in way that you may regret. And it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
- Swati
Oh, your friend’s story is unfortunate and probably a reason that many women hide it. But getting treatment is most important because ignoring the signs only makes things worse.
Michele, thank you so much for sharing your story. I have battled depression for years and know that it started way before i was a mom. However, your post made me realize that it’s time for me to get back into actively dealing with my depression. Thank you so much.
You’re welcome Kristina! I’m glad the post was helpful.