I confess.
I spent the better part of 2009 grieving for my past life. The details of that life don’t really matter. It’s the past. It’s over. But, I guess I wasn’t completely done with it because I cried many nights over its loss. Looking back, my past looked better than my today. I wanted it back – I thought.
In these final days of 2009, I’ve been trying to reconcile my attachment to the past. It’s not like I’m totally unhappy with the way things are today. Though, admittedly it was a rough year for many reasons that I won’t delve into here. Despite this, I have so much to be grateful for and trust me, I know it. I thank God for it all – the load of crap I’ve endured and the moments of shear bliss I’ve enjoyed – every single day.
But I’m feeling unsettled, as if something is about to change (or needs to change) very soon. It’s interesting. Around this time last year I wrote about slowing the pace of my work-life as I settled into a state of conscious complacency. Today, I’m drawn to ramp things back up, at least as it relates to my work.
The 2010 goals I drafted weeks ago reflect this change of pace. “Holy flagnog!” is all I can say. They’re the kind of Big Hairy Audacious Goals (BHAG) that two of my favorite thought leaders, Jim Collins and Jerry Porras, describe in their book Built to Last. They’re frightening. They make me want to hide under my bedcovers. They’re exciting. They make me squeal at the shear possibility of them coming to life.
Such contradicting emotions are tough to manage and force me into hours of self-absorbed reflection as I try to figure it all out. The one point of reflection that won’t stop nagging me is the idea of “tradeoffs.” It seems I’ve held a warped perspective on the term in 2009.
Working moms often talk about the things they gave up in exchange for the work-life juggle. “Tradeoff” is a dirty word and the shear mention of it ignites a fiery discussion over what was loss to motherhood, “I traded my flourishing career for my kids,” or “I traded my sanity for a six-figure salary and a nanny who sees my kids more than I do.” The list of tradeoffs are endless and I stood at the front of the line ranting about all the things I traded in 2009.
Of course, this eventually manifested into resentment and frustration as I complained about what I gave up and struggled to reclaim what I once had. I retreated back to my “black and white” thought process that said there were limited roads to work-life success and I had to choose: road A to the familiar past or road B to an unknown future. Hence my unyielding grip on the past.
I must pause here to laugh – at myself. Hahaha! I’m not being self-deprecating. That’s not my style. But, I do find humor in how I dish advice for working moms here (most of whom have taken it and flourished!), while it takes me hours, days and weeks of self-reflection to see what’s sitting right in front of me!
Today, I seal 2009 with a loving, but grateful kiss goodbye and I welcome 2010 with a renewed appreciation for the tradeoffs I’ve made to be a working mom. Instead of viewing them as negative tradeoffs, I see them as necessary and positive changes that helps create a radiant mosaic of me constructed in a new and improved way.
So, here’s to a magnificent New Year. May we learn to accept the tradeoffs we make as working mothers in a fresh, positive way in 2010.
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All those feelings are very common. Many people live in the past. Living in the moment takes a lot of practice, and Buddhists spend their whole lives trying to live in the present. To pull myself out of a funk I, too, set goals, but with two kids, they take longer to attain. Great post! Sometimes, we need to hear how other people feel to validate our own feelings. Happy New Year
Thanks for the comment Heather. Reaching goals is definitely different once you have kids, but still reachable.
May 2010 be greater than that past you talk about!
Daisy
Thank you Daisy – I appreciate that!
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