When I was pregnant with my first child, I didn’t know what to expect from motherhood. I tried to glean as much as I could from books like What to Expect When You’re Expecting
Today, I have a lovable brood of three children who constantly teach me, amaze me and bring me more joy than I can express. Motherhood is a gift that I cherish every day (Please don’t get me started! I get weepy just thinking about how blessed I am to be a mom. *sniff* There I go…back to the point.) Even still, this whole motherhood shtick is no joke! And as I stumble through life – juggling my role as a wife, mother, business professional, and more – I’m met with moments of uncertainty and loneliness that bewilder me. And it’s in those moments that I seek the security and safety of my family, my friends and my fellow moms.
My community keeps me glued.
Community is something that moms need, but just don’t get enough of. Life is busy. Relationships are set aside as we focus on functioning in our busy world, rather than truly living in it. We’re only pulled to engage with others when our feelings of uncertainty and loneliness peak; but by then, we’re desperate, fear-driven and insecure. And this leads us to seek community with just about anyone.
But as James Surowiecki describes in his book, The Wisdom of Crowds
Surowiecki suggests four criteria to distinguish a wise crowd from an irrational one, and these are indicators that moms can use:
- Diversity of opinion: Contrary views are appreciated, rather than silenced; the richness of a community comes from its diversity of thought.
- Independence: Your opinion isn’t determined by the collective opinion of your community.
- Decentralization: Every mom is free to act independently, but can still come together in a collaborative spirit.
- Aggregation: Instead of using a single solution to a common problem, the community has a way to combine individual wisdom into something useful.
As I contemplate these ideas alongside motherhood, I’m left questioning how some moms gather in a way that promotes a herd mentality over the wisdom Surowiecki suggests is possible. I’ve observed (and even participated in) these “mom herds,” which strongly encourage a sense of belonging. I’m all for that. When I’m sitting at home or at work seeing my former, pre-motherhood identity disintegrate before my eyes, I definitely want to belong somewhere; trust me.
But there’s a delicate thread that lies between belonging to a community of moms and becoming a part of a homogeneous herd of like-minded thinkers who seek to emulate one another and conform to a god-like picture of “super mom.”
So, where do we go from here? In the spirit of Surowiecki, I’ll share my individual opinion on the matter and then welcome you to share yours by commenting on this post. Here are my thoughts:
- Be yourself. I’ve written frequently on the importance for women, especially moms, to just “do you.” We’re far wiser than we give ourselves credit, especially when it comes to raising a family alongside a career. We know what’s best and the direction we should take; it’s an intuitive gift we just have. Use it. If you do tap into the advice you gain from others, just make it your own.
- Loosen up. Motherhood is filled with curve balls and unexpected moments. Our natural reaction is to cling tightly to the ideas, people and things we know. We just don’t want to fall! But when we cling too tightly to the present or past, we remain stuck. Ultimately, this negates Surowiecki’s concept of diversity – how can we diversify if we hold on to the same ‘ol things?
- Explore new territory with enthusiasm. The one thing constant in motherhood is change. Instead of shirking away from it, barge on in! In fact, I’ve enjoyed jumping into change before it forces my hand and have discovered rich communities and people in the process.
Your turn. Talk to me.
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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Great post. I totally agree and this is well thought out information.
I just found your blog and already plan to come back… great blog.
Great post– one that I agree with wholeheartedly. Like you, I started out with the “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” book because, well, that’s what everyone else was reading! By the time my third came, I was homebirthing and listening within. I raised my third kid much differently than my first one, in part, because I stopped following the crowd.
I really like your perspective. When our kids were younger (much younger) I joined mommy groups, etc. hoping to gain some insight into what other moms were doing. All of our close friends were also starting their families at the same time we were, and one friend in particular was always critical of what all we other moms were doing. Despite the fact that she, nor the moms in the mommy groups, had any better insight into how to raise a child than I did…I listened to their advice. It wasn’t long before I understood that my kids were different than their kids, and “my way” was going to be the way I raised them. I started ignoring the mommy herd and just listened to myself. Today we have two grown up kids that any parent would be proud of. As parents we learn to know and understand our kids and somehow or other, maybe instinctually, we determine the best way to raise them. A few mistakes along the way isn’t the end of the world and won’t permanently scar your children.
Oh…and by the way…I like your writing style and will stop back often.
Thanks Katherine, Karen and Jane – thanks for adding to this dialogue. I appreciate your feedback and insights. May the sharing of collective wisdom continue! Michele
Michele, some of the most important mothering wisdom I have collected over the years has been from observing other mothers in action. It’s not so much what they talk about, but how they are engaging (or not), with their children, how they are teaching and inspiring. I’ve tried some things and realized other tools were not for me and certainly not for my children.
What I have noticed is that surrounding myself with a range of different approaches has been the most useful. Typically the behaviors I’ve copied and adjusted in my own family have come from modeling mothers quite different to me, women I might not ordinarily be friends with.
The reminder to mother in our own ways is important. And so is being open and willing to watch and learn, accepting or rejecting based on what resonates for us and our children. I started my family in my mid-thirties and have four children. Some of the tools I value the most I’ve learned from a mother 15 years younger than me, and some from a grandmother 35 years older. Diversity of views and behaviors has been a true gift in my mothering.
And that crash I just heard would be my children downstairs! Time for an intervention. Nice to chat.