Before having children, my life was pretty predictable and I followed a pre-determined plan that was created under the heavy influence of my parents, of course – finish college, get a high-paying job, get married, buy a house, have kids, yada, yada, yada. But no one really prepared me for motherhood and how it would radically change me. All the plans that sounded great before children, didn’t sound quite as enticing after children. So, by the time I was 29 and a new mom for the second time around, I had a bit of a breakdown.
Without going into the dreary details, my breakdown forced me into weekly therapy sessions and a cocktail of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications. Somewhere between super-successful working woman and newly-minted working mother, I misplaced my identity and was just lost. I recall trying to explain how I felt to my husband once, “I feel like I’m disappearing.” He responded, “What are you talking about?! You’re right there!” Men. But if you’re a working mom, my sense is that you understand what I meant.
Today, it’s been more than seven years since I first became a working mom, yet I still feel a periodic sense of misplaced identity. Thankfully, I have a stronger grasp on it (based on my mission statement), and recognize that my identity can remain firm even if my roles and priorities change. After all, my roles and priorities will always be in a constant state of flux – children grow, jobs come and go, people move, etc. Sometimes those changes shake my identity, but it no longer causes it to crumble into a million little pieces anymore. Change allows me to grow, and as a result, I become a better woman, wife and mother.
As a working mother of three young children, one of the areas that has changed dramatically, and continues to evolve, is my career. Before children, I enjoyed an upwardly-focused career in Human Resources. I held down a full-time job at a dot-com and figured I’d be a corporate cog until the day I retired. This kind of job stability and longevity was something I was taught to value. Of course, in today’s market “job stability” is an oxymoron. And in my world, putting in 50-plus hour work weeks while my children are cared for by others was an oxymoron - I mean, who was really raising my kids?
But this isn’t a debate about child care or the choices working moms make. Every working mom must determine the best balance between career and family, and for most of us those choices aren’t easy.
When I decided to leave traditional full-time employment for life as an entrepreneur, I spent time reflecting on my current life and how I envisioned it changing. Although some thought my decision was drastic and sudden, it really was a year-long, reflective process where I pondered the seven questions below. If you’re in a situation where you’re re-evaluating your roles, priorities, work and how it all fits into your life, then hopefully these questions will help you as well:
Why am I working?
I had to think beyond money and determine my true motivation for working. I set aside my worry over money and asked myself, “If money wasn’t a consideration, would I still being doing what I’m doing?” Like most people, I wanted to do work that excited me, inspired me and caused me to ooze with enthusiasm.
What kind of child care arrangements do I want for my children?
My husband and I decided that we wanted one of us to be home with the children more. Ideally, one of us would always be the “stable bread winner” while the other worked a flexible or part-time schedule. At the time it wasn’t feasible since we held down two full-time careers (and managed a budget that required it), but we took steps to make changes over time.
What support can I count on?
Although my extended family was hesitant, I had the 100% support of my husband when I chose to step out of my full-time job to start a business and be home with the children more. Other kinds of support to consider are financial support, emotional support, physical support, etc.
What much must I earn?
We assessed our personal finances and realized we were like most average middle-class income earners – the more we made, the more we spent. So we cut expenses drastically to make my new work arrangements fit into the life we wanted.
Ideally, how would I like to work?
I work best in the early morning until about noon. Then I lose steam and regain it in the late evening. For the most part, I also prefer to work alone, without the distractions of cubicle chatter and ringing telephones. Part of my decision to leave my traditional job was rooted in these preferences.
How can I learn and grow?
Despite earning a great salary, my full-time job offered little mental stimulation (and I certainly tried to make it interesting!). Since my prime working hours happened in the morning, most of my work was completed by lunch, which left me the entire afternoon to dream about being somewhere else. Today I have work that definitely keeps me engaged and learning; it offers me endless possibilities to learn and grow because no two days are ever the same!
Am I prepared to make a change?
Knowing the challenges that arise from any change, I had to determine the best time to make my career move. Of course, there is never a perfect time, so there is some faith invovled in this step! One of the important lessons I’ve learned as a working mother and business owner is that life is rarely 100% predictable. I may establish the best laid plans, but I can’t be assured of anything unless I try. Sometimes you just have to take the leap and make the change.
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